While everyone at home was blasting Facebook about the GOT Red Wedding, I was sitting in my room deciding to quit drinking.
Now, this is not like all the other times I woke up hungover and said, “Oh my god I’m never drinking agaaaaaain” cause I actually mean it. This is also not a public declaration that I will be pursuing sobriety and would like your support as mentioned in this realistic and enjoyable article.
No, this is a temporary yet real hiatus that will last until Ted’s birthday at the end of July. I fully intend on drinking at Ted’s birthday, but we’ll see how things go after that.
One of my best friends is always assuring me I’m not an alcoholic, which is what my mom would have me believe. You know what Marge? I agree with you. I’m not an alcoholic. But at a certain point drinking stops being fun/funny. After eight months of living in India with coworkers, it’s stopped. Here’s [generally] my reasons for quitting:
- Last Saturday freaked me out – See below.
- Save money – I have been working for close to three years, don’t pay rent in India, have nothing in savings and like $40,000 in student loans. Lol wut?
- Lose weight – Training for a marathon seemed like a great idea, but I remember it being a lot easier when I weighed less.
- Same shit different day – In India, my friends = my coworkers = my roommates. Every time we drink we go out drinking we might as well be at work or in the apartment, we literally talk about and do all the same things.
- Drinking is limiting – Women aren’t safe to cruise around alone here, so every time we go out I am limited to whatever the group wants to do. I can’t just grab a cab if I’m tired/bored.
- I was equipped with a Babymaker- I’d like to prove to myself that I’ve got what it takes to pull off a 9 month pregnancy. I don’t think I’ve gone longer than a week or two without a drink since I turned 21.
I’ll let you guys know how this goes. Will I become crazy productive? Lose 10 pounds? Save thousands? Maybe. More likely, I’ll just replace drinking and going out with ice cream and movies. It’s SUPER easy to pirate here.
Without further ado: Last Saturday
A guy at work started inviting all the expats to his birthday party (last Saturday) several months ago. None of us wanted to go, but we felt obligated. Beth and I decided to go early so that we could stop and buy him a present (whisky) and have an excuse to leave after only a few hours. Ted and Chuck were going to stop by later. Once we got there, the birthday boy kept asking us to stay just a little longer, because Ted and Chuck had texted and were on their way over after dinner. We reluctantly agreed to stay, deciding it would be easier to share a ride with Ted and Chuck when they showed up.
That is what I remember fully.
Here’s what I remember partially (brown-out stage):
Creepy Dude: My manager sucks.
Me: Yeah so does mine.
Creepy Dude: Seriously? No one believes me. Omg I like you.
Me: Uh thanks, I like you too.
Random dude from UK that was at the party for like 30 minutes: I wish I lived in India, it’s such a magical place. Everywhere else is so clinical.
Me: How long you been in India?
UK douche: 3 days
Me: Oh haha, I’ll have to check-in with you when you’ve been here for 8 months.
UK douche: Oh I go home next week.
I try to switch to water, someone puts whisky in it.
Different kind of chicken.
Disgusting flavored potato chip.
More water that’s been spiked with whisky.
Birthday boy’s cousin plays classic Indian guitar for me. I attempt to play and get bored with it as you can’t rock out. Creepy Dude follows me around handing me my drink whenever I put it down.
Chicken – maybe the same chicken as before, but can’t tell. Too spicy, need water.
Pick up my water, turns out it’s now whisky spiked with whisky.
Creepy Dude: I like you.
Creepy Dude: You’re such a good friend
Creepy Dude: Help me find a bubbly American wife
Me: Sure, I’ll see what I can do when I get back to the U.S.
Creepy Dude: I love you.
Me: You don’t love me, you’ve never even hung out with me outside of work or asked me on a date
Creepy Dude: Let’s date
Beth: Sarah, let’s go to the bathroom! (Thank GOD for Beth)
Americans dance to Gangnam Style
Creepy Dude follows me to the couch. I wedge myself between Beth and Ted to get away.
Full stage blackout – Here’s what I “remember” after watching the video on Chuck’s phone.
Sing Taylor Swift’s We Are Never Getting Back Together at the top of my lungs, curse out ex-boyfriend that’s 5,500 miles away
Grab Ted’s crotch, call him a prude in front of rebuffed creepy dude.
Cab comes for other people at the party – I say great let’s get the fuck outta here. Ted and Chuck can’t find their shoes – none of us mind. We are that desperate to leave what has turned into a really creepy party that we stole a cab and left behind two pair of shoes.
Get in cab, pass out.
Get home, try to play guitar for my roommates, but “can’t get the tuning right”. Give up promptly.
Get text from Creepy Dude that says, “As discussed, let’s date.” Ignore this and the other ten texts that pour in.
Complain more about my ex-boyfriend.
Take off eye makeup, but decide not to wash my face or brush my teeth.
Wake up next day confused and disgusted.